Feeling Out of Control Around Food?
It's Not a Willpower Problem. Here's What It Is and How to Tackle It Once and for All.
Feeling out of control around food is not a willpower problem, it's a signal your body and brain are sending, and once you learn to decode it, cravings become a lot less terrifying and a lot easier to manage.
Last week we talked all about the physiological reasons you could be having cravings, and hopefully you've started to tackle some of the biggest causes so you can feel freed from the grips of the cravings monster. But this week, we're kicking it up a notch. Whereas last week we went over your physiology, this week we're talking all about what happens in your brain. Because as a living, breathing human, you are no stranger to the mental chatter that accompanies cravings. You know the kind? The kind that feels like a deranged fly buzzing around in your head. You'd do anything to swat that damned thing to death.
So let's get into what to do mentally when cravings strike. No long preamble today before we get there. No story time where I throw myself under the bus in the name of education (that part comes later). Let's dive right in.
Note: This article addresses general food cravings and loss of control around food. It is not intended for those experiencing binge eating disorder, which requires specialized clinical care.
What Do I Do When a Food Craving Strikes?
We all know that feeling when a craving strikes. It's like your mind is only capable of holding one thought. "Chocolate chip cookie" repeats itself like the world's cruelest mantra, and it doesn't stop until you give in. So what do you do when that annoying feeling comes on?
Here are the four steps to implement, in order, to finally tackle feel in control around cravings. that actually work, in order:
Step 1: Get Closer to the Craving (Don't Fight It)
The most effective way to handle a food craving is to acknowledge it rather than resist it, because resisting a craving almost always makes it louder.
Jamie, say what now? You want me to get closer to that feeling that's threatening to ruin my diet, tear down my health, and possibly even drive me to the brink of insanity?
Yes. And here's why. Ironically, when you try to push away, shove down, or drown out any kind of thought or feeling you don't want, it gets even louder.
Think of it like that annoying kid in elementary school (we all had that one kid, didn't we? The one who was like a human brass monkey, clamoring cymbals until he got our attention? And, yes, it was always a he). That kid would sit behind you and poke you with his pencil until you gave in, turned around, and asked him what the heck he wanted. He didn't get quieter the more you ignored him, and we all know you tried like the devil to ignore him. He just got louder and louder until finally you turned around, grabbed the pencil he was poking you with, and threatened to drive it right through his blabbering tongue. (Too much? Nevertheless...)
Just like that kid, your cravings don't get quieter the more you ignore them or push them aside. They just get louder until you acknowledge them. And just like with that relentlessly annoying kid, you have to respond to them early, before you lose your mind, otherwise you're not going to be making rational decisions by the time you do eventually respond.
So the next time that Chocolate Chip Cookie Mantra starts playing on loop in your head, just acknowledge it. Get closer to it. Say, hmm you know what, a chocolate chip cookie does sound incredibly delicious right now. Acceptance feels calm, ignoring feels like force (and you can only force that feeling away for so long).
This is supported by research on "urge surfing," a technique from acceptance-based therapies showing that riding out a craving with awareness — rather than fighting it — reduces its intensity more effectively than suppression. So when that tidal wave of craving threatens to knock you out, grab your board and get urge surfing.
Step 2: Ask What Your Body Is Really Asking For
A food craving is almost never just about food. It's your body asking for something else: comfort, energy, relief, or connection.
The craving isn't coming on just to be cruel, even though it often feels that way. The craving is simply your body's way of saying it's asking for something. And it's typically asking for more than just a tasty treat. Here's where you become the detective to figure out just what it's asking for.
For example:
Do you want that cookie because you're dealing with some tough emotions that you're not quite ready to face, and the cookie will soothe the pain until you're ready? Do you want the cookie because you're bored, and the taste of that cookie is going to bring you joy? Do you want the cookie because you're starving and your body just needs nourishment?
Once you can identify the root cause of the craving, it becomes less about the food and more about addressing that true root. If you're stressed, can you implement a different kind of stress relief? If you're bored, can you call a friend or go on a walk? If you're hungry, can you eat a nourishing meal first? Learn what your body is asking for, and see if you can satiate that feeling without a treat.
Step 3: Give Yourself Compassion
A craving is not an attack on your health goals, it's a protective mechanism. Your body is simply trying to protect you the best way it knows how.
The craving didn't come on to blow up your entire life. The craving didn't come on to get you to self sabotage. It actually came from a place of self-protection. The cookie craving is simply trying to help you to not have to deal with those painful emotions, the stress, or the boredom. Once you can acknowledge this, no matter how annoying it is to deal with cravings, they begin to seem so much less threatening.
Maybe your body was pushing that cookie on you because you are stressed out to the max and even the idea of sitting and doing breathing exercises feels overwhelming. Your body is saying, "Hey there, we have this super simple way you can calm stress, and it's tasty."
I want you to even go so far as to thank your body for this craving. Yes, I know, counterintuitive yet again. But the more you can approach the craving with compassion and curiosity rather than force and resistance, the easier it's going to feel. You can say something as simple as, "Thank you body for trying to [insert whatever protective mechanism your body is trying to do by giving you the craving], but we're choosing something else today." So using this same example, say something like, “Thank you body for trying to protect me from having to feel these tough emotions, but I’m ready to face them head on.”
Simple. Clean. Compassionate.
Step 4: Make an Informed Decision
Emotional eating is not a moral failure, and one of the joys of being alive is experiencing the pleasure of eating. So, the goal is not to never give in to cravings, but rather to give in consciously, on your own terms.
Here's one thing I need you to know about emotional eating and giving in to cravings: both are absolutely allowed. We're human, and one of the best parts of being human (in my humble opinion) is eating. How fun is it that we get to taste delicious food anywhere from 3-5 times per day?! I honestly go to bed excited because I know that the second I wake up, I get to eat a delicious breakfast. Anyone else?
Whether or not you're as amped up about eating as I am, that doesn't change the sentiment. You are allowed to emotionally eat and give in to cravings. As someone who is quite literally paid to be healthy, this is something I do on occasion. The trick here is to do it consciously.
What does that mean? It means not unhinging your jaw and inhaling a sleeve of Chips Ahoy when you're overcome by anxiety, but following the above steps — acknowledging the craving, asking what it's looking for, and giving yourself compassion — and only then asking if it's something you really want.
Now to the part of the article where I throw myself under the bus, for educational purposes of course. This craving cycle happened to me just a week ago. As someone deep in the trenches of "new entrepreneur" territory, my life has been extra busy over the last month or so. Pair that with constantly moving homes — over the last month alone, I lived in four separate apartments and houses. Completely a problem of my own devising as a nomad who did not plan her life more than a few days at a time, but a stressor nonetheless — overscheduling myself as an insatiably extroverted human, and trying to figure out where in the hell I'm living next month, this created a nervous system was completely, totally caput. I finally had a weekend alone for the first time this whole year. And it was glorious. But once I sat in the silence, I could hear my nervous system frantically buzzing. And all it wanted was a warm, fat skillet cookie. I sat with the feeling, checking in with what my body really needed — to chill TF out — and gave my body compassion. And I still decided that the skillet cookie was going to be my dinner. But here's where this differed from frantic stress or emotional eating: I calmly debated if I wanted the cookie. Once I decided that I did, I sat with the cookie intentionally. I ate it on a comfy couch, savoring each and every bite, really tasting the butter and melty chocolate. And it was heaven. Did it cure my stress? God no. But was I happy with my informed decision? Absolutely. From that place, I felt calm and cared for, and could then do the nervous system work I was putting off.
One of the joys of being alive is eating. Just make sure that when you are consciously choosing less optimal foods, you're actually enjoying them, not shoving them down in secret and shame, okay?
Are we feeling good? I hope so. Because now it's time to cover what to do when you inevitably give in to cravings, fall off your diet, or binge. I say inevitably not because I don't believe in you, but because I know you. We all, at some point, will give in to these behaviors. Being alive can be hard sometimes, and we're all just doing our best. And sometimes, turning to that tray of brownies or the bottle of wine just feels like all you can manage. So when that does happen, let's go over what to do.
What Do I Do After Binge Eating, Cheating on My Diet, or Giving In to a Craving?
The name of the game here is to get rid of shame. Shame is truly the biggest waste of energy on the planet. This is coming from the shame queen. If years of therapy have taught me anything, it's that I tend to motivate myself like a Kentucky Derby horse, relentlessly and painfully beating myself into submission. And I can tell you as someone who has walked herself to the other side of that, as well as guides clients around their shame based behaviors, that shame has no place in health and healing. BUT, even though I am anti-shaming yourself, shame does point us somewhere powerful. Shame tells you that you betrayed your values in some way (or it points us to beliefs that actually aren't yours that you inherited from childhood, but that's a post for another day and, honestly, another specialist, so let's stay focused here). Here's how to use that shame for information — essentially, what to do post binge or diet "failure," when all you want to do is beat yourself up.
First, ask what led to the circumstance.
Like asking what's driving the craving as it comes on, ask yourself what drove you to give in to the craving. Was it stress, boredom, happiness or desire to celebrate, lack of planning, or anything else in between?
For example, maybe you had a crazy day and just didn't plan enough ahead of time. In between running from meeting to meeting, you realize you haven't eaten in five hours. At this point, you're toast and the only thing you want to do is mainline calories directly into the bloodstream, fast. Doesn't matter what it is, this is survival mode. And because of this hunger, you give in to the Starbucks cake pop (or two, or three) that were easy, convenient, and felt like nourishment at the time.
Next, ask yourself what you can do differently next time.
Once you ask yourself what led to giving in to the craving, you then have the information to figure out what you can do differently next time to prevent this from happening. Using the above example, maybe you realize that some of your days are completely unpredictable, and because of that, you need to carry emergency snacks in your purse. From then on, your purse is stocked so you never have to turn to cake pops for survival. What you realize is that from this experience, you had a powerful learning opportunity. You can actually use the "failure" or shameful experience to get better and you don't beat yourself up in the process. Talk about a win-win!
Finally, thank yourself again (you deserve it).
We are all about practicing self-compassion here, because it's something most people lack, and it's something that actually drives you toward your goals (no matter how convinced you are that you can just shame yourself hard enough into eating well). So first, thank your body for stepping in and protecting you with whatever it was trying to accomplish by getting you to give in to the craving. Then tell it you're committed to doing better, and tell it what you're going to do next time. Using this same example, "Thank you body for driving me to nourish myself after I had neglected to. But next time, I'm going to be more prepared so I can give my body the nourishment it needs. I'm going to keep emergency snacks on hand so I don't run into this scenario."
I want you to feel this gratitude in your bones. I know it feels silly to thank your body for this brief moment of self-sabotage, but I promise, the more you can internalize that this action was a learning lesson to help you get better, the faster this habit change is going to stick. Yay to being kind to yourself.
Before I round this out, I want to talk about what to do before a craving even strikes. Last week we talked about how to prevent cravings by supporting your physiology (and if you haven't yet checked that out, I recommend doing so here), but there is one thing you can do mentally to set yourself up to not give in to cravings.
How do I Prevent Food Cravings Before They Even Start?
Pre-plan your treats and indulgences.
Pre-planning treats reduces the mental debate that almost always ends in giving in, and research on decision fatigue supports exactly why this works.
Pre-planning can look differently for many people. Some of my clients love setting a number limit on the amount of less optimal foods they'll have in a week, not to be restrictive, but to give themselves bumpers and make their choices even more conscious. Others like to plan out ahead of time specifically what treats they'll have during their week, so eating them feels on plan. And if doing this feels too restrictive or doesn't resonate, that's okay too, but here's the science behind it: often when you give in to a craving, it's not because you want that food so badly you just need to have it. It's often because your brain is being so annoying debating whether or not you should have the food, that you decide to eat it just to get your brain to stop making noise. You know what I'm talking about?
Should I have the slice of cake?
No, I'm being good, I'm going to avoid it.
But surely one bite won't hurt.
No, I should be all or nothing, I know eating a bite will just make me want more.
But maybe if I just have a spoon of the frosting that will be fine.
Or I could split a slice.
Or maybe I just have my own slice?
And on and on until you've driven yourself mad enough that you just faceplant into the cake to spare yourself.
The goal of setting limits on or preplanning less optimal foods isn't to restrict yourself, but to free yourself of this mental torture. When you have clear rules, it's much easier to quiet that voice.
What This Looks Like In Practice
Recently, I had a client come to me who has a history of having a poor relationship with food. For most of her life, she viewed food as something to be restricted, and she would be “good” about restricting these treats for a few days, maybe even a few weeks. But, inevitably, she would end up binging on them.
When I first went over this idea of setting a limit on less optimal foods, she was slightly apprehensive, but agreed. Together, we decided that she’d set a high number limit for the first week and see how she felt. At the beginning of her week, she sat down and looked for the times she’d be most tempted by less optimal foods: dinners out, gatherings, travel days. In her mind, she rehearsed saying yes to certain foods that felt special to her, saying no to others, and always asking herself if they felt worth it in her “treat budget” so to speak. Knowing that conscious treats were part of her plan quieted a lot of the mental chatter to begin with, and also got her more in tune with her body. Over time, she reduced her treat budget to a number that felt better physically for her, and now she no longer feels guilty or has this endless debate around less optimal foods.
So, now you know how to tame the cravings monster, how to approach it gently, and how to talk to yourself when the monster wins (that's life, the monster has to win a few games here and there). How confident are you feeling in tackling these cravings?
Remember, they will still come up and that's okay. Every human on the planet, no matter how "healthy," has cravings. Beating yourself up for having them is like getting mad at yourself for having to pee. Truly a waste of time and energy. Instead, use that energy to keep growing, learning, and becoming a better version of yourself. Sound good?
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel so out of control around food?
Feeling out of control around food is almost never a willpower problem. It's usually a combination of physiological stress (undereating, blood sugar instability, elevated cortisol) and unmet emotional needs (stress, boredom, loneliness) that the brain has learned to solve with food. Identifying which driver is active in the moment is the first step to feeling more in control.
What is the difference between emotional eating and binge eating disorder?
Emotional eating refers to using food to cope with emotions — stress, boredom, celebration, sadness — and is something most people do occasionally. While those who emotionally eat sometimes do binge, binge eating disorder (BED) is a separate clinical diagnosis, and having a few episodes of binging does not automatically mean you have BED. As the Cleveland Clinic states, the diagnostic criteria for binge eating disorder include:
Eating large amounts of food in a short time (compared to what most people would eat in a similar time)
Feeling like you can’t stop eating
Binging occurring at least once a week and going on for three months
You must also have at least three of the following symptoms:
Eating to the point of physical discomfort
Feeling disgusted or guilty afterward
Eating alone
Eating quickly
Eating when you’re not hungry
If you think you fall into this camp, working with a specialized therapist or dietitian is recommended.
How do I stop emotional eating?
The most effective approach is not to try to eliminate emotional eating entirely, but to bring more awareness to it. When a craving strikes, acknowledge it rather than fight it, get curious about what you actually need, give yourself compassion, and then make a conscious decision about whether to act on it. Pre-planning treats during the week also reduces the mental debate that so often ends in impulsive eating.
Does shame help with diet or eating habits?
No, research consistently shows that shame is one of the least effective motivators for behavior change and often perpetuates the binge-shame-restrict-binge again cycle. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is associated with better long-term dietary outcomes. Using a craving or “slip-up” as a data point rather than a moral failure is both more accurate and more effective.
What is urge surfing for food cravings?
Urge surfing is a technique from acceptance-based therapy that involves observing a craving with curiosity rather than acting on it or fighting it. The idea is that cravings, like waves, naturally rise and fall, and if you can ride out the peak without giving in or trying to suppress it, the intensity decreases on its own. Studies support its effectiveness in reducing the grip of food cravings over time.
How do I stop feeling guilty after eating?
Start by reframing the experience as information rather than failure. Ask what drove the behavior, what you could do differently next time, and thank your body for trying to protect you in the only way it knew how. Guilt has no place in healing, but curiosity and self-compassion do.
